An epithany

Something came to me today that I have not thought about for quite a number of years....I was reading an excerpt from "Chicken Soup for the Soul", and one line made me remember something from my childhood.

I used to be a very quiet, shy child...yes I was, even though it seems hard to believe. I had a very low pain tolerance and was afraid of my own shadow. I did not like to meet people that I did not know and could not carry on a conversation to save my life. Of course adults had nothing encouraging to say about me because they thought me strange. Most kids were out having fun and I was content to sit, read and observe. (the reason I have a good memory) I was always put down and lambasted for "acting" strange. I was always told I would never amount to much because I was stupid,(not) "weird". (this from relatives who did not amount to much either) Now, just imagine hearing this all the time, no matter what you did; if I got all "A's" and one "C" (geometry), they focused on the C and said nothing about the A's. I felt like nothing I did was ever good enough.

That one line I read in that story made me realize why I strive so hard and just have to do everything and I am never satisfied with what I do. I am trying to prove that I am worth something to these people, some of whom are no longer alive. I feel that I have to constantly prove myself and the only one I have to please is God and myself. I am such a perfectionist; everything has to be just so, even down to the way I cook and the foods I serve. This is probably the reason I have been overweight all my life. Food was the only thing that makes me feel good; I did not get the affection I craved; my brothers got "C's and D's" in school and it was great. I got a "C" and was chastised. A few years ago I came to grips with myself and did my best to not be a people pleaser. I don't give a care now....I am too old to care. At this age, I pretty much say and do exactly what I want but I wasted a good life being a people pleaser and getting no where.

I have never been happier, even though I still keep a lot on my plate, but at least I am happy in what I am doing. I support myself, gave birth to a great son, have a kind, loving husband, a decent home, I am a great cook, I love to quilt, I still love to read and read anything I get my hands on; I love to travel, shop, eat, be with my friends; friends that I chose, not ones picked out for me. Never mind that my friends don't meet someone else's standards, they are good enough for me.

Since I left Pennsylvania, I have stopped being judgmental; I learned that behaviour there and I hate it. I have learned to accept people for the people they are; they have that right to think, act or behave how they want. I am capable of accepting them for who they are, good or bad. I am not responsible for their behavior, I am only responsible for treating them as human beings, and loving them no matter what. It was good that I left Beaver Falls, to see how the rest of the world lives and to know that Beaver Falls is NOT the whole world. There are fantastic places to explore and discover. There are fantastic people to befriend, even if they are of a different nationality. I have eaten Greek, Chinese, Japanese, Italian, Arab, Phillipino, African, Jamaican,Mexican, Polish, Ukranian and German food. It was very good; my friends love my food also. We share ideas,food, friends, recipes, clothes, coupons, and fun. And I am not judged by these loving people....I am accepted as the person I am.....a loving, caring, free hearted, giving, Godly, prayerful, accepting woman who may not be perfect - I have curves, wrinkles, flat feet, crooked teeth, and I don't wear a size 4....I don't have to. I am an individual, I am unique, because there is no one else in this entire world JUST LIKE ME. I am blessed, more so because I had this awakening today, March 25, 2009. i AM A PHENOMENAL WOMAN.........!